i am sober...

I am Sober, I guess; sober from the dissatisfactions the prior night provided. It’s not about the making out, maybe, but as of now, I think the fact that I guess I’m doomed to another “hindi sya” experience is making me sick. Damn sick.

I guess uunahan ko si Raffy to pause and find some healthy distractions.

I have been drunk of the possibilities that maybe making out will be fun; I am sober now, and turns out I was wrong. I thought I was gaining, I thought I was having fun, turns out, now that I have the hang over, I have been disintegrating.

Relationships should make us happier, should make us realize our wholeness. But for the past 2 years, turns out I haven’t been into one. I thought I was. But I was wrong, I am wronged. It was a make believe, but you what’s the irony is that it is I, myself who fooled myself. I was in the process of convincing myself that I am into the one, but actually I was into the thing. Just like a drunk person, when I was drunk I was insisting that I am sober, and now that I am sober, I wish I never got drunk. Hang over! Hangovers!

Ayan flowery na naman ang words ko; if naiintindihan mo, good, if hindi, forget about it.
Dala lang to ng dissatisfaction of what I thought was a happy story and this was even more triggered by “Lalake sa Parola”

I have been making many “creeds” lately but they never make it into my blogsite. Only now, this I really promise, one things, for I, me, and myself:

“Hindi lahat ng tao sa mundo katulad ni Mateo, bukas at totoo, minsan even the self is not open to things that it is afraid to accept or recognize; with this I promise that in the coming days, there will be no more making outs, but sooner, I wish I would be making love (with whom? I believe, hope that in this world, there is always a Mateo for every Jerome).”

I might sound vague but swear, this time I have learned.
Para saan pa na gender advocate na ako. ( the training was really helpful to me! )

Oh sya, mwAH!

mga alaala ng parola...

Mga Alaala ng Parola
Ito ay isang kwento ng pagHahanap ng tunay na kaligyahan…

I just watched “Ang Lalake sa Parola”, quite too good a movie to be distributed under the sheets of norms. True, it’s quite explicit, too revealing I guess; but the thing is, it’s not just the genitalia, but the story itself that’s quite too revealing ( at least I think, for some) Beyond the flesh, it’s not just a “homoerotic” story (that’s what the covers say) but a masterpiece story of finding one’s true self.

Isa syang kwento of discovering and accepting the authentic self, beyond the norms ( the norms that humanity set ) As from someone who knows his gender beyond anyone, I must say, the lessons of the movie are but the basics that any homo/bi/tripper (whatever he/she terms himself/herself) should know.

Pero, madalas, still there resides what Mateo portrayed, there is fear of the relative acceptance of the self beyond the acceptance the society may provide. Nakakalungkot that most of the time, kelangan pang gumawa ng mga “diwata” upang maipahatid lang ang talagang matagal nang nadarama. Crap na lang talaga ang mga taong buong buhay nila hindi maamin sa sarili ang totoo, double that, ganun kaCrap ang mga taong despite the genuineness of these people, are still left boxing and unreasonably labeling them, us, in their too narrow perspective of the self, happiness, lust and love.

I have always believed that there’s a difference between making out and making love; all my life I never made love with somebody, just kept making out. Fun, I must say but tama it’s really rare to find a “Mateo” in this world. Although hindi fiction ang story ni Mateo at Jerome, this world most of the time label it, most of the time look down on it. At first Mateo was making out with Jerome (the world pushed Him to), but in the end, the time came that He realized the grace of being with, and being the SELF, finally the “diwata” faded. Mateo will no longer make out, Him and Jerome will be making love (hopefully all of their lives)…

Making out and making love; there’s a difference, trust me.

Mejo nakakalito blog ko no,
Heto na tutumbukin ko na…
Just minutes ago, I thought I was making love, turns out we were making out. Tapos yan, napaisip ako, lahat ng sinabi ko sa taas totoo kaya?; that a guy loving another guy is not a fiction. Been exposed to counseling, funny but I guess I’m giving myself a little dose of reversed psychology. hahahahaha

But seriously, I’m again loosing ground. Darating kaya sya?
Kelan darating ang panahon that I won’t be needing a “diwata” anymore?
Darating nga kaya yun?

weeH! I think the movie’s getting into me, and my Hubbie, too. ( if I still decide to keep Him) Ah ewan, I have to be honest, I want a more intimate relationship. A kind of a relationship that sex is not just a thing ( making love not making out ), a kind of relationship that will make me wanna wake up everyday, a relationship that’s not superficial enough to surpass the pleasures of the flesh. Duh, my point is, I wish I have a Mateo in my life, a Mateo who finally realized the meaning of “diwatas” and finally decided to embrace his fate.

Ang tanong jan, darating ba sya…
May gusto akong sagot, but the answer depends on this society…
… and Him above there.

I just Hope I kept the passes that mama gave me, so that lumakas naman kapit ko kay BRO. 

*** been using “diwata” repeatedly, well in the movie it was meant to be a metaphor for true love amongst men camouflaged in the mystery of diwatas themselves. In my blog it simply symbolizes “escapes” or in a spec, things done to hide the truths of the heart.
*** uhm, may I add, officially, Hubby’s a thing of the past, just an hour ago, and He’ll remain as such.

mwAH.

Love Life! (Reflection Paper on GossipGirls)

Just arrived home after I drove my brother’s fiancé to the office ( she’s an accountant ), sat on the coffee table and realized something…

I damn LOVE MY LIFE!!!

It’s a quarter to nine and I have a day ahead, but I just feel so lazy to get going. To cheer me up here I am writing my blog.

As I said earlier, I so damn love my life. Last night after going to the movies and catching the premiere of Angles and Demons here in the Metro ( anyway I love the twist in the end, only that, don’t rely on the book, the movie’s quite twisted ) with my friends, a new circle. I had a dose of the entire first season of Gossip Girls, and until now I’m not so over it. It’s a hook! And it’s the perfect high school – college series I have ever seen. And to note, it’s so my life ( reserve those contradictions )

I have to admit that I ain’t born elite; we barely have enough. But anyway, I can relate more to Dan in terms of social status. I’m just a “commoner” amongst a few accolades that really are in to the “light”. But anyway, I really am most impressed by Blair’s statements ( remember the scene in her house with those baggy old fashioned bitches dressed in very conservative clothes only to hide their carcasses? ) that she thought she was leaving college behind, turns out the “society” she wants to infiltrate haven’t left that paradigm. Whew! That was so cool of her, and to note, it became the starting point for me to start liking her ( she’s sooo mean in the first season’s first chapters! ) Given that dilemma, I’m so into her character like 8 hours ago ‘till now ( oh, even the lingo, hahahaha ) But kidding aside, I really am deeply touched by her character. Felt the same.



I started in Ateneo like from damn scratch; had no one aside from my brother who by the way is 13 years older than me and is already a college instructor. That’s not very nice to have for a “company” in college. Anyway, I came to know certain people, some. But that some really are a blast! Found my target friends, just like Jen, I aimed for the “them” people to really have a good taste of college; turns out they still are high school bound. Good for me to realize that after I thought I’m into the group, I’m actually not. Well, I have to be honest, that turned my world upside down, for quite a time too. But living the past behind, look at me now! Found the real people to REALLY understand me, and to REALLY want me around as much as I want them around. I am like so Dan, he needs not to make efforts to make it into the inner circle, the circle has its own way of picking the rightful people to complete it.

Damn right?

Whew! Just really love GossipGirls! but love more my life now…

I will not anymore trade the movies, the fresh air blowing at the back of a pick up, dinners and casual lunches, the chats and friendly nothings over a few spirits, the besso and hugs; I will never anymore trade the genuine hearts I have around for the fame of being into the “them” group. GossipGirls reiterated what life’s been trying to teach me, that the lime light and the glamour shines dim on hearts who barely know how to open up. True friends around is warmer than the spotlights!

Tata…

still looking for my treasure...

Been very busy lately that today when I did some brainless tasks, I got too occupied by certain thoughts that have quite been bothering me ever since I do not know…

I’m working on certain stuffs for this year’s ORSEM and that required me to reVIEW the movie “Treausre Planet.” It first premiered six years ago and saw it a couple of time already. But lately I find myself so into Jim Hawkins’ character…

Whew, well until now, so to speak, I still feel so felt alone. Just like Jim, I miss a parent. I miss my mom so much everyday that I look for figures from my constant acquaintances and friends that will well represent mama. That’s not that bad, diba? If only hindi ako nagiging too possessive of them that I become jealous whenever they seem to be attached to people other than myself. Hai, isn’t that, not so good. Diba?

Sabi ko nga kay Nysh, I think SAD (seasonal affective disorder) lang ‘to. But I guess hindi rin, been feeling this ever since I don’t know. The trend is, it surfaces, then gets gone ( the duration varies ) then resurfaces again. It’s the same thing over and over again. At times I think the emotion is not anymore centered with lost of a mom. I guess hindi ko na rin talaga masatisfy ang sarili when it comes to my relationships. Most of the time, someone triggers this emotion. The last time I felt like this was because of ate Nikki, I felt so attached to her although I really wasn’t that close to her then. Tapos yun, things happened and BAM the emotion rose. Had it even blogged. Tapos ngayon, si ate Minnie. Although we’re okay now ( we had a quite of a COLD WAR ) but I still don’t feel okay.

In a methaphor, it’s like that I have found the treasure island and yet sooner than I can ever imagine, pinapakawalan ko na pala. Ohhh! I’m so messed up!!!

(lemme breath first, sip on my chocolate )

Ang drama ko na naman sa taas noh? Practically I’m okay, sad lang because medyo maraming stress. Yah! Stress lang to; have lots to do.

Hai…
Hindi rin…

Whew, whatever is this…
Sana get gone.

I’m still looking for treasures…

ako mismo

Ako Mismo. Si Brent Mismo.

I saw this advocacy ad in TV one time and then wham; I fell in love with its advocacy. As a matter of fact, I am writing this blog in response to that call and as a completion of a promise I attested to the group as I become a member.

AKO MISMO.

Sounds cheesy for some, but really; to ask, how many of us entertained the thought that that “hey, nothings really gonna happen with this current dilemma” The truth is, there really is no problem, not even DESPAIR, a Filipino can’t surpass. A nation of a handful dialects, of tribes and varied religions; but did that tear as apart? Nothing! Not even a super typhoon or a gigantic upheaval of Pinatubo did make a Filipino turn aback his trail. For how many times did fellow Filipinos die for the love of mother land? For what that Ninoy’s undaunted words, “the Filipino is worth dying for” are proudly printed in our five hundred bill. Tapos, ngayon, basta basta na lang tayo titiklop? Pardon my words but ****ina na lang talaga.

It’s true that we pretty have a lot of share of tribulations, but why is it so romanticized over our feats? The truth is; we are pretty much better off now than we were. Opportunities abound, freedom comes with birth. So what’s the fussing for?

Economically, we are not better, but we are not bad. Politically, we are not that humble anymore under this globe we share. Educationally, we are exceptional in many of a few aspects. But sadly, why is it that every one thinks that we are doomed.

Oh common, Uncle Sam is in recession, the Queen Elizabeth’s experiencing it too; so why despair? The sun will shine tomorrow, why fuss today? Hopeless people are hopeless. And to add, masyado lang mga duwag to face life.

I once come about an idea in Riders Digest, the author said, “since childhood, for how many times did we think that we are doomed and our situation is hopeless; and then wake up the next day okay?” True enough, the world revolves.

Kaya sana lang, you, after reading this, think twice…
Remember Vincent Peale’s philosophy, “the thought dictates the deed”

I know my voice is nothing but a minute shout in a crowd, but I will never ever let despair run over my perspective in life. Mangangarap at mangangarap ako hanggat hindi ko naaabot ang mga pangarap na ito. Cheesy di ba? But to tell you, every man and woman written in the pages of history books, every person whose epitaphs are shouting that “here lays a person who lived a life worth living”, all of this guys started with a dream. They worked for it, and in the end earned more than the dreams they made.

Sa ngayon, simple akong estudyante. Bukas, I know I’ll be someone kasi panghahawakan ko kung ano man ang meron ako ngayon, kung ano man ang environment ko ngayon.

Ako Mismo, si Brent Mismo, aayusin ang direksyon ng buhany nya para in that way, maliit man, makatulong na magkadireksyon ang super love kong mother land.

I have always been proud of my tan, my eyes, my accent… kasi Filipino ako. And I will never get tired of loving who I am, what I am. Kikilos ako, ako mismo.

china! ( an AKO MISMO CAMPAIGN )

CHINA.
( an AKO MISMO Campaign )

China. When I was kid China would simply means a country somewhere above the Philippines, as according to the map. All I know is that it’s way too big that a lot of its geography is with snow. And that my real name, Vincent, is a name of a flower there. Beyond that, China is nothing but an ordinary country.

After being aware of the world for 18 years now, I’ve realized partly I was right that China is vast, but I never realized that the entire world is CHINA! From Russia to America, to Italy and Manhattan; there would always be a touch of China.

I just finished showering, and since I am staying with mommy La for a week now, who happens to have her children working abroad; lately I’ve been seeing a lot of Pasalubongs from them displayed in the house. Earlier, while I was brushing my teeth, I took notice of the magnets in the fridge; most of which came from different countries. There was this post card type with a prayer and a picture of Niagara ( I still wonder what’s the connection of a prayer for a child and a falls ), Rome was there, a miniature of the Eiffel tower is displayed near a Singaporean symbol that I still do not know if it is really a lion or a mutated fish. I also saw a maple leaf and a snowman near a magnet from New York and San Francisco; since it seems that the two latter are the newest in the collection I tried to remove it from the fridge to take a closer look. At the back, there were still price stickers, and to my amazement, both have a “made in china” label! So I lifted all the rest from the fridge and found five more labeled “made in china”. I never knew that there is a New York in China, or that the Eiffel tower is in China!

I just can’t believe it; I thought the “half of the world’s products are from China” thing is not true. Seems like, there’s truth in it. Well, since I was a kid our kitchen is practically from China; the mugs, the plates, the cookers and even the table cloth. Now seems like even though most of the things in the house are bought either locally or from the states, more than half of which is from CHINA!

Gosh, a Chinese invasion is really on.

But no matter what, I just hope sooner I will also see a Philippine Invasion (wouldn’t it be nice to hear, “half the world’s products are from the Philippines”). But to be honest it still seems too far from reality, as of now, I just hope local products prosper locally.


In line with my faith to the Ako Mismo Campaign here are the things/ places produced/found in our locality that is worth our patronage:

1. hapEE tooth paste
2. Bench Clothing
3. the new bora is in CamSur!!! ( Caramoan in particular )
4. CWC!!!
5. Jollibee
6. there’s this new brand of Philippine made motorcycles (just forgot the name)
7. National Bookstore
8. BASKET!!! (kuya Kim is promoting it too!)
9. Makati Shoes ( havaianas are still allowed, hehehhhe)
10. porn? Buy local scandals ( hahahhhhahhahha )
11. FMCC ( 3 stars and a sun, Franciss M’s company )
12. SM Malls
13. Ayala Establishments
14. Ateneo BSBA and Entrep Students’ products!!!
15. and many more that I might not know but you do.

This blog sounds cheesy but, wouldn’t you be delighted by the thought that sooner China will be out and Philippines will be in. Sounds fun, doesn’t it.

Ako Mismo, si Brent Mismo

a piece of havaianas...

this is actually my entry for the Summer Challenge hosted my havaianas here in bicol; but it turned out that particapnts should be physically fit... ohoh... not meant for.
So to save this article from being junked... might as well share it to the world...

munch on...

I Experienced the Original

I have always adored Havaianas; its high end touch has a feel of elegance, elitism, and a little lot of pride. With this thought in mind, I have always pictured using my flops only in places like Avenue Square, in the malls and in certain cozy restos. But among all places, I love wearing it in school despite the fact that rubber slippers are not allowed inside our campus; well as I always tell my friends, it’s not just a slipper, it’s Havaianas.
My picture of where Havaianas can only stroll changed when my school organization decided to conduct an outreach program for the Aetas of Itbug, Buhi. To reach the place our group had to, for a few minutes, ride a boat and for almost an hour, had to walk through mud, rocks, and rivers. And to note, for that we had to cross to mountains. I was wearing my Havaianas then; it was fun seeing my only pair of Havaianas gets soaked in mountain waters, poked by various rocks and enveloped by mud. Despite the roughness and wildness of the trail, all through out the hike these little flops gave me so much comfort. I never felt tired of walking from a house to another to deliver a humble Christmas to the Aetas since I have these little angels on. Over all, the experience was really humbling, having walked that far, and to note, that hard just to share a little something to our fellow Bicolanoes on the season of sharing.
That experience taught me that even Havaianas can get muddy; that even I, living in comfortably can immerse into the lives of those less fortunate. To fully experience life, I had to be like my Havaianas; faithful to the saying as the going gets tough, the tough gets going
My blue baby Havaianas never lets me down, it’s my perfect partner whether on a casual lunch with friends in a cozy resto in the metro or a fun filled hike to Itbug. The authenticity of life’s humble joys comes in many forms. Real fun can be experienced over lunch with friends as much as; it can be shared after a hell of a hike. One thing I know, to fully experience life, it requires being true. I am Brent, a student, a volunteer, a friend and I experienced the original. I experienced Havaianas.