Wanted: Love

Wanted: Love

I don’t even think some one is interested in reading my blog. Well I am a nobody. People say that I’m lucky, that I am fortunate, people think that I am happy. People think… I fell.

I was born of a normal family, respected though and known in our locality, I grew up under spectators’ eyes. People seem to wait for me to commit something that they might find entertaining. I was envied but never was I loved. My family provide me that, but only mom was consistent. All the others intended to but they were too busy living their own lives to mind me; I was left with mom. I was loved, but it was until a week before my 10th birthday, mom died after days of comma. Her funeral was the same date I was to celebrate my tenth year of breathing life. I was then left…
Things changed after that mishap, though our family’s finances started to stabilize again and life went on; I was left. Up until my late high school years, I was able to ley go and accept the thought that mom was gone. Well in the journey I met friends, too. But it hurt even more for even in their presence I felt alone. There were times I really did feel happy too, but after that, in the silence of my room there comes the yearning for love again. It sucks. It really sucks.
In my yearning, I came to try a lot of remedies; I tried being active in school but still no change, I tried finding a hobby but still no change, I tried a lot but there was never a change. I miss my mom and my need for affection increases. I have to admit that I was never able to establish genuine friendship, for I was only looking for a receive and receive again relationship. I was self centered, I was selfish. I was looking for love to consume and not to cultivate.
My search for that led me to many things; false stories to attract friends, smoking, cutting classes… and yes even sex. I was desperate to be cared for that I have mistaken lust from love. I was deceived by the thought that if I keep looking for that I might finally find it. But I was searching a wrong place…
Lately, after a rejection from someone I tried courting; it hit me. All those time my search for love and affection; I was looking at the wrong place. I should have not gone far, I should have not search far and wide. The treasure chest was all those time with me, in me. It is I, who can complete my life. It is I who can fill the empty spaces. I should have realized that early for until then I can only be loved if I love first my self. Yes, until now I want love but I have known that the elementary of being loved is loving my self first then eventually others. This time I no longer worry what other people say, I must listen to myself first. After all it is who is feeling. Let them think and let I feel.

Moving on…

They say moving on is only for lovers that took separate ways… but then what should we do, the people who fell in love but never made it into a relationship. The emotions are the same… isn’t it?
Aren’t we allowed to fell hurt? Well much has been said, now I just want to write it away…

Well it all started when I met this girl, she was smart, cool and really attractive in her very own ways. She was my friend… just a friend. Until this damn emotion started creeping into me. I tried to hide it but then it even gained more weight, so did the momentum. I started to state my emotions… yet implied. It work not that’s why even under my pissed courage I tried then to tell her… word for every thought; I poured everything that my heart feels. I thought things were getting better. The flowers I sent her were kept, the get togethers became more frequent and even the one on one talks frequented too. She even at one night asked me to take her on a bike ride around the metro, my scooter embraced the cold winds as carefully granted her request. That bike ride under the beauty of the night melted my heart. All of these I thought were leading towards something, something great and wonderful…
But I was wrong.

It was days before her birthday that she told me, brent hindi ko kayang ibigay yung kaya mong ibigay sakin, it was followed by a sorry. A friend… that’s what I was to her all those time. Friends. Wow, all those stuff ends in that? Well I should have realized that that moment but then it only came to me that it’s really not leading to something during a night out. I was with two companions, one a good friend of mine, the other, his friend a constant acquaintance during that summer. I believe I have seen him in Ateneo many times before that’s why I was confident making friends with him. He was nice and to admit realty cute and manly. I never thought his charms had owned my friend. It hurt a lot discovering something like that over shots of liquor. After that do you know what I did? I sent her all the text messages that she had sent me… all and every single message. But of course I was under the powers of alcohol then, so the next morning I texted her I was sorry and that it was all not meant. Days passed and I never heard anything from her until one day she texted me a quote saying that drunk persons speak what’s really at the back of their minds. Then I was forgiven….
The story does not end there, now we still meet, Ateneo de Naga is such a small place that we really can’t avoid bumping at each other at times. But I have to admit… we are no longer friends, we are not enemies either. It’s just that the friendship isn’t anymore like the way it used to be. I miss that badly. I just wish we can hang around at times or talk under the batibot or walk through the centro and eat ice creams at the mall. Or maybe simply be in love again with each other… as friends.