Wanted: Love
I don’t even think some one is interested in reading my blog. Well I am a nobody. People say that I’m lucky, that I am fortunate, people think that I am happy. People think… I fell.
I was born of a normal family, respected though and known in our locality, I grew up under spectators’ eyes. People seem to wait for me to commit something that they might find entertaining. I was envied but never was I loved. My family provide me that, but only mom was consistent. All the others intended to but they were too busy living their own lives to mind me; I was left with mom. I was loved, but it was until a week before my 10th birthday, mom died after days of comma. Her funeral was the same date I was to celebrate my tenth year of breathing life. I was then left…
Things changed after that mishap, though our family’s finances started to stabilize again and life went on; I was left. Up until my late high school years, I was able to ley go and accept the thought that mom was gone. Well in the journey I met friends, too. But it hurt even more for even in their presence I felt alone. There were times I really did feel happy too, but after that, in the silence of my room there comes the yearning for love again. It sucks. It really sucks.
In my yearning, I came to try a lot of remedies; I tried being active in school but still no change, I tried finding a hobby but still no change, I tried a lot but there was never a change. I miss my mom and my need for affection increases. I have to admit that I was never able to establish genuine friendship, for I was only looking for a receive and receive again relationship. I was self centered, I was selfish. I was looking for love to consume and not to cultivate.
My search for that led me to many things; false stories to attract friends, smoking, cutting classes… and yes even sex. I was desperate to be cared for that I have mistaken lust from love. I was deceived by the thought that if I keep looking for that I might finally find it. But I was searching a wrong place…
Lately, after a rejection from someone I tried courting; it hit me. All those time my search for love and affection; I was looking at the wrong place. I should have not gone far, I should have not search far and wide. The treasure chest was all those time with me, in me. It is I, who can complete my life. It is I who can fill the empty spaces. I should have realized that early for until then I can only be loved if I love first my self. Yes, until now I want love but I have known that the elementary of being loved is loving my self first then eventually others. This time I no longer worry what other people say, I must listen to myself first. After all it is who is feeling. Let them think and let I feel.
Things changed after that mishap, though our family’s finances started to stabilize again and life went on; I was left. Up until my late high school years, I was able to ley go and accept the thought that mom was gone. Well in the journey I met friends, too. But it hurt even more for even in their presence I felt alone. There were times I really did feel happy too, but after that, in the silence of my room there comes the yearning for love again. It sucks. It really sucks.
In my yearning, I came to try a lot of remedies; I tried being active in school but still no change, I tried finding a hobby but still no change, I tried a lot but there was never a change. I miss my mom and my need for affection increases. I have to admit that I was never able to establish genuine friendship, for I was only looking for a receive and receive again relationship. I was self centered, I was selfish. I was looking for love to consume and not to cultivate.
My search for that led me to many things; false stories to attract friends, smoking, cutting classes… and yes even sex. I was desperate to be cared for that I have mistaken lust from love. I was deceived by the thought that if I keep looking for that I might finally find it. But I was searching a wrong place…
Lately, after a rejection from someone I tried courting; it hit me. All those time my search for love and affection; I was looking at the wrong place. I should have not gone far, I should have not search far and wide. The treasure chest was all those time with me, in me. It is I, who can complete my life. It is I who can fill the empty spaces. I should have realized that early for until then I can only be loved if I love first my self. Yes, until now I want love but I have known that the elementary of being loved is loving my self first then eventually others. This time I no longer worry what other people say, I must listen to myself first. After all it is who is feeling. Let them think and let I feel.
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